Don’t be so humble – you are not that great. ― Golda Meir

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. ― Mark Twain

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. ― Spike Milligan

I don’t hate you… I just don’t like that you exist. ― Gena Showalter

It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on. ― Marilyn Monroe

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. ― Mae West

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours. ― Milton Berle

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. ― Groucho Marx

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. ― Steven Wright

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. ― Oscar Wilde

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing. ― Emo Philips

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. ― Joey Adams

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.― Rodney Dangerfield

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid. ― Hedy Lamarr

I found there was only one way to look thin: to hang out with fat people.― Rodney Dangerfield

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong. ― Unknown

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. ― Robert Benchley

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. ― Lucille Ball

All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I deny it. — H. L. Mencken

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. ― George Bernard Shaw

I do not know the American gentleman, God forgives me for putting two such words together. ― Charles Dickens

If the lessons of history teach us anything it is that nobody learns the lessons that history teaches us. — Anon

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it. — Cullen Hightower

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I’m beginning to believe it. — Clarence Darrow

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children and no theories. — John Wilmot

A successful woman can find such a man. A successful man makes more money than his wife can spend.― Lana Turner

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife. ― Rodney Dangerfield

I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are. ― Jarod Kintz

When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. — Norm Crosby

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. ― José Maria de Eça de Queiroz

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? — Scott Adams

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” ― Claude Pepper

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She’s ninety-seven now, and we don’t know where the hell she is. ― Ellen DeGeneres

Electricity is made up of extremely tiny particles called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you have been drinking. ― Dave Barry

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. ― Albert Einstein

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slowly for them. Einstein got D’s in school. Well, guess what, I get F’s!!! ― Bill Watterson

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years. ― Mark Twai